I Work Hard, Where's the Body You Promised?

When I originally started this blog, I wanted to be real. Write about real issues that women face. For the most part, I haven't. I've been too scared about what my close friends and family would say. However, I think this message needs to be read and I am willing to bare it all to get this message out there.

A few days ago, a fitness photo went viral of a smoking hot mama (probably weighing 90 pounds) kneeling behind her three young kids. I thought it was great and inspirational until I read the message: "What's your excuse?" This for me was the straw that broke the camel's back. Every time I scroll down my news feed, there is these weight loss ads that depict fit sexy, skinny women. All of these ads (and a lot of other "inspirational" stuff floating around out there) are telling me that if I work hard enough, I can have that lean, sexy, skinny body. 

And I want that so bad.

Like a lot of women, my body is my biggest insecurity. Just a quick note: this has nothing to do whether I'm glad I used my body to have kids or not. I would never trade a great body for my kids. This is about me disliking the way my body looks. I like my legs and arms for the most part. My biggest areas of contempt are breasts that are disproportionate to my stomach size. Shirts fit terribly. My upper body frame is a size small and my stomach is a size medium. Also, pants don't fit that well. I should wear a size 6 but it's too tight around my tummy (but fits my waist) or it gives me the dreaded muffin top look. So, where I'm at is a size 8 and they are constantly falling down because they are too big. 

I've worked hard for that size. Guess what? I don't look a thing like those women in the ads and no, there's no medical reasons preventing from my stomach shrinking more. The number on the scale shows I've done amazing things in the last few years. So let's talk about how I've gotten to this point and the "excuses" that I face. 

If you haven't read my blog before, let me give you a rundown of what my life has looked like in the past 8 years so we can get a good handle on my situation and what lead to this blog.

I'm 28 years old, 5' 7", a wife, a stay at home mother of 4 children (ages 8-3), a non-certified personal trainer, a great cook, and a runner. These are some of the most most important things that describe me. My daily life is filled with buckets after buckets of laundry, sink full after sink full of dishes, dirty toilets, baths, vacuuming, food prepping and storage for future use, cooking the daily meals, getting 2 kids to and from school, running after and taking care of 2 kids at home, naps, toddler school time, training my student, working out, and when all is said and done-- more laundry with a side of laundry…. Yes, my days are packed and I normally can't wait to just collapse at the end of my days. 

I had my oldest daughter in 2005 and seemed to have a normal pregnancy and delivery. After she was born, I had pelvic problems that were finally diagnosed after my second daughter was born in 2007. I have a separated pubis symphasis. If you would like to read more on this daily struggle that I live with, read this: http://marekmama.blogspot.com/2012/09/how-i-live-with-separated-pubis.html . In short, my pelvic bone hurts a lot. All the time. Fast forward to surviving through 2 more planned pregnancies. After all pregnancies were said and done, I walked out of the hospital after my last child was born  in 2010 weighing 200 pounds. After I was done breastfeeding (I had milk issues that I didn't want to complicate further by working out), I decided to lose all the weight. I lost all the weight at home doing DVDs, running outside or on the treadmill, and doing weights. Mind you, I did all of this with a really bad pelvis. I used lots of Tylenol and Ibuprofen in this time span to accomplish these goals. That year, I also had two steroid shots injected into my pelvis to help manage pain. By 2012, I got down to 150 pounds. I thought this was a really good weight. I was still really unhappy with my body shape. I tried not to focus on it because I was eating 1200-1600 calories and I worked out a lot. In 2012 I ran 2 half marathons and ran several shorter distance races. I trained like a beast. However, during last year (2012), I ended up having 4 major surgeries (partial hysterectomy, bladder repair, hernia repair, removed gallbladder) in one shot, eight weeks before the Portland Half Marathon. After 6 weeks of intensive recovery, I got the clearance to run again. I had two weeks of training under my belt and completed the Portland Half Marathon in 2 hours 8 minutes. Not shabby for all the obstacles I had faced that year. 

So, that brings us to this year. I've also done a lot of training this year. I wanted to do even better than I did last year. So far, my app on my iPhone shows that I've ran 554.52 miles burning a total of 65, 970 calories (as of mid October 2013). Just keep in mind, this does not include all my unrecorded runs and also does not include all of my strength/cardio training I do. I ran several shorter distance races and completed 4 half marathons this year. My big struggles this year has been two kidney infections. One right before the spring races and one recently right before the fall races. Those were huge set backs. I'm still in the process of figuring out why I'm getting them.  I was pleased that I got down to 140 pounds by still keeping my diet under check. Now, I'm not saying I don't splurge on the food because I do. 

I'm actually a food addict. I struggle with the food a little. I do well when I am in my own home. In fact, I cook wonderful food which can be seen in some of the recipes I've blogged. My problem is when I'm not home. I have the idea that if I'm going to break my routine, I might as well do it big and be satisfied in my choice. This doesn't happen that often because I'm a stay at home mom. I stay at home a lot so don't think I'm out stuffing my face because I have my food addiction well in hand. 

By this point, I hope I'm painting a picture of a busy stay at home mom that even though has a million reasons- not excuses- that the time being spent on myself to maintain my body could be better spent doing things for my family. I also have plenty of medical reasons that would excuse me from putting in the work. 

So, are you ready for the kicker?

After putting in the sweat and tears to get to the "lean" healthy 140 pounds, I dislike my body. I have a muffin top that will not go away. I've got amazing rock hard abs under that flab. When I was at 150 pounds and thought, if I can lose some more, the flab will dissipate. It didn't. My boobs shrank more, but that belly skin has gone nowhere. No matter how little I eat, no matter how much I work out- it's going nowhere. The only thing that's going to make that go away is a knife or some serious photo shop work. 

No Photo editing in this photo!

By now you may be thinking, "If she does all that work and she looks like that, how come she isn't happy?" Well, remember all those photos and inspirational messages that tell me that if I put the excuses behind me and work hard, I can be lean and sexy? I did the work- how come I didn't receive the damn product?!? 

I'm done with all of those messages. Here's a message that should be shared louder: A healthy BMI, hard work and personal goals is healthy. That is what you should try to obtain. That is the message that should be spread.