My Dearest Friend,
I was so excited and overjoyed to hear that you are expecting your first child! I cannot wait to see how God will tweak such a seemingly small area of your life, but to see you forever changed by what the experience!
I want to share with you how motherhood changed me…. as a woman, as a partner, emotionally, physically, psychologically, and spiritually.
First of all, I want to tell you that if you want to chase after the image of being a Pinterest-50s mom/housewife, you need to quickly come to terms that that is not how motherhood looks like for 99% of us. Remember, you can generally either have time or money, but not both. There's a reason people take photos of their kids in an adorable moment. It's because they're moments that happen but nearly impossible to maintain on a daily basis. My dear friend, Deanna, and I were talking about what type of woman people can be as a mother. As she said watching other mothers, "I see mother's have to choose between being Super-mom or Super-wife, but they can't seem to be both." Which will inevitabley make you feel like the worst mother and worst wife a lot of the time. It's a struggle trying to figure out how to balance that. Then, you'll look around one moment and realize you do have it balanced, but then that moment is gone and you will frantically wonder for quite a while what the heck happened and how to get it back. It's a vicious cycle. To combat that, I find awesome little humorous saying and stick them around my house so people lay off (because God knows that other people can be just as hard on me as I am on myself). One states, "God put me on Earth to do a few things. I'm so far behind I'll never die." The other in my kitchen which I painted above the cabinets, "Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator". I catch a glimpse at those some days and give myself the emotional break I need.
You know all those random sentimental sayings that can be found on the internet regarding motherhood? For example, "Motherhood is like having your heart walk around outside of your body". I was shocked to find most of them true after I became a mother. As women, I think most of us think that we're all made of "tough stuff". I know you and I are pretty prideful in that area. Well, Dear, motherhood adds a huge dimension of toughness to our lives. However, in many ways we become weaker at the same time. You will find that weeping at strange times will not be just a part of your pregnancy. It's a part of motherhood. I used to laugh at my own mother for her crying and laughing so hard she would start to cry episodes. Now, I laugh at myself when those moments happen. And I tell myself to get my shit together. I cry over the stupidest things, but the things that really pull my heart strings are the things to do with motherhood even if it's not a part of my life. A few examples: Watching Nemo can make any mother's eyes moisten. Sad, but true! Watching the news can be too difficult. You'll wonder how some people can hurt the innocent (then flash forward to a 2-5 year old and you semi-understand! [for those that don't know me, it's a JOKE]). Don't ever ask me to watch any horror shows involving kids. There are just too many horrors that hit close to home to poke fun at a movie about it.
Next I want to tell you how much your relationship with your partner will change. How you choose to parent together and the issues you end up dealing with as partners can make or break you. If you think you know you're partner now… Just wait 5 years and add up what you've learned during that time as both being parents will astound you. My biggest advice in this area is to truly be with each other in the good, the bad, the ugly, the joy, the heartache and all other obstacles. God has humbled me in front of my husband more than I thought possible, but in those times, I have never known a more stronger love than Joe's. Love will grow and thrive sometimes in the most despair of times, even when you don't think you'll ever reach the light at the end of the tunnel. I think the most shocking issue that me and mother friends have discussed is how unprepared we were for our sex lives to change after having our babies. A lot of us, including me, thought nothing could rock that boat. I was so wrong and I was so naive to think that if it did, it would be a small facet of our marriage! I once had a good friend tell me that I would get to the point that I would have to mentally prepare myself for sex just so I could serve my husband. I wanted to serve him as I have always committed to him, but my body wasn't on the same page. We're getting back in a groove, but it has been more of a process than I ever thought would occur!
The physical changes of motherhood was almost the hardest to swallow. I can hide almost everything else from the outside world, but I can't hide my muffin-top. No matter how many calories I count, how many half marathons I run, how much strength training I do, that muffin-top is their for the world to see. I never accounted for the ways my body would change after I had the babies. I think it hit me the moment after my first was born. My belly felt like I grabbed a bowl of jello and gave it a good shake. It felt weird and squishy. A few days later, I started waking up in pools of milk. Who knew breastfeeding would be so messy and hurt so much? Oh goodness, the sore nipples! I'm sorry, hun, but nothing can prepare you for the pain of that. When a lactation consultant tells you it hurts because you're not doing it right, they might be full of it! Breastfeeding for the first month will hurt! Your nipples crack and bleed, heal and then recrack. Pain! Engorgement will lead you to try a breast pump for the first time which I can assuredly say will make you feel like a cow in a lineup getting milked. So, the early days of motherhood will be full of leaky breasts and the endless amount of post-partum bleeding. By the way, I would highly recommend not remodeling your plumping during that period. Running water is a necessity! And keep those panty liners handy after you get done bleeding, because my friend, you may be carrying a few handy with you for several years to come, if not for the rest of your life. You're bladder will never be the same again. Enjoy the times that you can jump or run without peeing all over yourself. I remember when I was pregnant with baby 4, with every bout of morning sickness, my bladder would completely cut loose. Then explaining to my older two who were potty trained why mommy wet her pants… Let's just leave that as a complicated discussion, shall we?
Psychologically, I thought I would be the best mom before I had kids. I had buckets of patience and I loved children. I am wondering who the hell took that person away from me?! I want and need her back. The woman that took her place has psychotic breakdowns. I think that may of happened when my second child came along and started the "why?" phase. Funny how one small question asked over and over and over and over can break you. If I were in the military… I would not make a good POW. Send a 2-3 year old to interrogate me and it wouldn't take me long to fall to crack. If you find a woman that honestly doesn't have occasional worse temper tantrums than her kids, bring her to me and I will bake her a dozen cookies and give her an award! Some moms may try to hide this flaw that I think most of us share, but I am braving the way and breaking the mold by admitting it. As mothers, we are far from perfect and if we were, what need would we have of God then?
I don't think I've ever told you, but motherhood is what led me to God. I was searching out for something and after long time searching I discovered what I wanted was something bigger than myself. I needed to lean on somebody that had faith in me, that would understand my desperate sobs when I was even too weak to kneel at His feet. I needed the guidance that nobody else could give me. I needed to learn and understand in those dark moments that He chose me for my children. God has helped give me peace when I needed it the most and lit up some of the darkest moments in my life and made me stronger in the process. Knowing the Eternal Father puts a big perspective being a parent. Prior to being a parent, I never understood how people said, "He loves you more than anything." I always thanked them for the sentiment, but I always wondered how He could love me while I was so imperfect. I now know because that is the way I love my children. I know you have such a strong relationship with our Lord, and I can only imagine how much more deeply that will become as the years go by.
The years will go by so fast. I want to tell you not to blink because you'll miss some incredible moments. I am so excited to share this new chapter of your life with you. Just remember, nobody is a pro at motherhood. Every mother, I am sure, has some amazing nuggets that will be passed along to you, but take what you need and throw out the rest. Don't burden yourself trying to become anything other than what God intends for you to be.
P.S. I hope I can be around when your Dirt Bike arrives!
